The slithy toves
Did gyre and gimbal in the wabe 

Reading an author like Robert Anton Wilson (I’ve only mentioned him a few gazillion times), one repeatedly stumbles upon a mysterious beast called “Quantum Physics.” There’s a lot of talk of “uncertainty”, “indeterminacy”, “non-locality” and a whole mess of gobbledegook that seems purely indecipherable to the layman, at least outside of the broadest philosophical applications. The math doesn’t make any god-damn sense, the terminology is immensely abstract, and even the visualizations and thought experiments leave more gaps than definite impressions. If you ask the average fellow “What’s quantum physics?” you’re sure to get an answer like “I dunno.” Or if you’re dealing with a particularly clever fellow, they might say something like “The physics of the very small.” That sounds all neat and tidy, but again it gives rise to more questions than answers.

If you’ve watched a popular science special on the subject, you might say “Well… it’s the kind of physics that explains how really bizarre things could happen, but for all practical purposes will never happen. It also has something to do with lasers and computer technology and… I dunno.” You’ll hear the names rattled off: Heisenberg, Schrodinger, Fermi, and big boys like Einstein and Bohr. But what the heck were any of them talking about?

The first piece of the puzzle for me was a layman’s explanation of Einstein’s Special Relativity. Relativity isn’t a part of quantum theory/quantum mechanics, but it’s another one of those things within physics that everyone’s heard of but nobody seems to ever adequately explain. In RAW’s Cosmic Trigger II: Down to Earth I received the first beacon of insight on the subject.

Relativity works something like this: two identical spaceships with identical equipment for making measurements are orbiting around the Earth at slightly different velocities (speed+direction). They point their highly accurate measuring gizmos at the same river. Spaceship A’s gizmo says the river is 1 kilometre long. Spaceship B’s gizmo says the river is 1.5 kilometres long. It’s the same river, the same spaceship, and the same device. The only variable here is the velocity. So how can the same river be two different lengths at once? Well, the how isn’t so important right now. What’s important is that Einstein’s equations predicted just how different the measurements would be depending on the difference in velocity (more accurately “inertia”.) Everything in the universe has inertia. Everything is moving at slightly different velocities whether being propelled or not. Relativity offers the math to correct the differences in measurement of space and time between inertial systems. If the same experiment were done with atomic clocks on spaceships of differing inertia measuring how long it takes for something on Earth to happen, Einstein’s math would accurately correct the time measurement difference between the atomic clocks.

What’s really shocking here (to me) isn’t that space-time must be a variable (depending on inertial systems) and not a constant. What shocks me is that Einstein had the math ready several decades before we had spaceships or satellites in significantly different inertial systems than those found on Earth to test his numbers. The strange reliability of numbers and the strange ways in which these numbers are determined by intuitive thinkers is a recurring theme in the wacky world of physics.

Now, back to that unholy thing called “Quantum Physics.” The first step here - and probably the most frequently overlooked one - is to define the word “quantum.” Physics is easy enough, it’s the study of the physical world. But what in the name of Xipe Totec is a quantum? Well, this answer came to me from a popularizer of science called John Gribbin.

In Mr. Gribbin’s In Search of Schrodinger’s Cat: Quantum Physics and Reality he offers a concise, layman-friendly description of the history of quantum theory, which developed into quantum mechanics and today is called quantum physics. The “quantum” part refers to teeny-tiny “energy packets”, which are part of subatomic particles like electrons and photons. “Part” is an odd choice of word here, but bear with me. A quantum (or the plural quanta) can only absorb or emit a certain amount of energy. When quanta absorb energy, the subatomic particle of which they are a “part” raises in “energy level”. Quanta also sometimes emit energy, which takes the subatomic particle to a lower energy level. Quanta have corresponding frequencies (like frequencies in the light spectrum) that define how much energy they can absorb or emit. A fellow named Max Planck figured this out about a hundred years ago. He also came up with a schnazzy number (Planck’s constant) to convey mathematically how subatomic particles “jump” from one energy level to another when they absorb or emit energy.

The reason any of this was important is something called the Blackbody Spectrum. The story goes like this: 19th century physicists figured if a lot of energy was provided to a lot of atoms held in a glass sphere with a little hole in it, the average frequencies of the energy contained therein would be very high. In fact, they would be so high they would rise to levels never before observed. It turned out that the experiment proved something totally different: the most common frequency in the Blackbody Spectrum was somewhere in the middle. Classical Physics was stumped. Enter Max Planck and his schnazzy number. By “quantizing” subatomic particles he effectively explained why the high frequency isn’t favoured even with a lot of energy; most of the particles can only absorb a medium amount of energy due to mysterious limits imposed by their “quanta.” The “hows” and the “whys” weren’t really addressed here, but the math worked and the theory was verified experimentally.

From the early 1900s to the late 1920s, the idea of “quantizing” things gradually gave way to a comprehensive quantum theory. Contributions were made by dozens of scientists (almost all of whom became Nobel Laureates). If you want the complete story there, read Mr. Gribbin’s book. For now, I’ll try to give the best hurried explanation possible.

The next important step involved whether light was a wave or a particle. Math and experimentation had proven either theory. It was an embittered controversy, but the greatest minds concerned (Bohr, Heisenberg, and other Big Names of Quantum Physics) decided if both sides have such convincing proof, they must somehow both be correct. This doesn’t seem so outrageous. If they could somehow combine the mathematics, and successfully argue that the “position” of a photon is described in terms of particles and the “momentum” (movement) is described in terms of waves, it would all fit into a neat little package. Things gradually became more complicated as the math didn’t quite jibe, and a full SNAFU broke out when it was experimentally verified that electrons - always thought, nay, KNOWN to be particles - were also waves according to the exact same kinds of experiments that “proved” light was a wave.

If both light and matter were at once both waves and particles, a radical reorganization of thought needed to occur. Some theorists maintained the disposition of a zero-sum game. Schrodinger tried ardently to prove that everything is a wave, and everything moves predictably like ripples in a pond, and furthermore that the inner-workings of atoms can be accurately described in terminology just that simple and serene. It took the crafty and kooky Niels Bohr to set Schrodinger straight. He “invited” Schrodinger to do some research, wherein our boy inadvertently proved his own theory wrong and gave further credence to wave-particle duality. What really cheesed Schrodinger off was how this quantum model required instantaneous “jumping” between energy states that could not be described in terms of Classical Momentum. He said something like “I THOUGHT BY DOING THESE EXPERIMENTS WE WOULD BE DONE WITH ALL THIS DAMNED BUSINESS ABOUT ‘JUMPING’”. I’m exaggerating a bit, but I find his frustration infinitely amusing for some reason.

Einstein ran into similar problems when the very probabilistic/statistical methods he applied to quantum theory seemed to be painting a world of sheer unpredictability and ungodly randomness. “GOD DOES NOT PLAY DICE!” he raged. Personally, I like to think God does play dice. Not only does S/He play dice, but S/He enjoys it thoroughly (sometimes I feel so good I wanna scream.)

As David Byrne said, STOP MAKING SENSE. Now uh, please pardon the digression, ahrhrehm…

Maybe Heisenberg explained it a little better with his Uncertainty Principle. The math here is quite foggy for me, but let’s just say Heisenberg proved mathematically that some level of “uncertainty” must arise when figuring the position (particle theory) and momentum (wave theory) of a quantum energy level jump. The more accurately one describes the position, the more blurred the momentum becomes, and vice versa. But the Uncertainty Principle wasn’t intended to dissuade quantum theorists. Quite the contrary, it was the linchpin of a new Quantum Philosophy often referred to as the Copenhagen Interpretation (cuz a lot of the guys involved with this interpretation were from Copenhagen. A very clever name, indeed.)

While this “interpretation” is not a concise position, the gist is that physics depends on the limitations of mathematics and instrumentation. Quantum physics deals with a world so tiny it could never possibly be observed, so determining Classical concepts like “position” and “momentum” must come down to probability rather than observable fact. And because the world of the Quantum is so tiny, any attempt at visualizing it in everyday terms crumbles under the realization that such visualizations can never be verified. These attempts may even impinge on the progress of science by confusing Quantum ideas with Classical ideas pulled from the World of the Very Large (as we saw with poor Schrodinger and his waves.)

Over the decades following the contributions of the key players in Quantum Physics, a lot more things became “quantized” which allowed for new and increasingly wacky technologies in areas such as optics, genetics and computer science. While new theoretical developments seem increasingly indecipherable (String Theory, Loop Quantum Gravity, etc.) and the particle accelerators of experimental physics don’t seem to be yielding any information that makes much sense to me, at least I’ve arrived at something of a footing in 20th century physics. I’m not sure I’ll ever come to a working knowledge of the mathematics involved, or even all of the layman-compatible details. But I’ve embarked on some kind of start, and hopefully more Curious-But-Uneducated laypersons such as myself will continue trying to untangle the Goddamned Unfathomable Webs of Quantum Physics.

Let it be noted that John Gribbin’s In Search of Schrodinger’s Cat: Quantum Physics and Reality will give the reader a much more complete understanding than this wacky article ever could. In fact, I’ve probably misinterpreted so much of the information in Gribbin’s book I shouldn’t even be writing about it. Oh well!

Now it’s off to Sirius for a good vrooping with the Doggiez. Fare thee well, humble readers!!

Using the Internet Anagram Server (www.wordsmith.org/anagram) I have stumbled upon some hidden meanings in the names of certain politicians. These readings might be relevant to a Tralfamadorian (extraterrestrial being that perceives space-time in a manner non-linear/non-local), but what significance could they have to a typical Terran (Earth-dweller)? Well, before I go on explaining that blathering bit, feast your eyes upon Exhibit A:

The one us Terrans call Stephen Harper may be known on planet Tralfamadore as

PANTHER HERPES

What could possibly be implied in the sublimely outlandish moniker Panther Herpes??? Could it be that, in the estimation of an advanced extraterrestrial intelligence, Mr. Harper (Mr. Herpes) represents something predatory and powerful? Or perhaps something viral and contagious? Or perhaps a synthesis of the two? Of course it is possible in the infinite wit and sardonic jest of Tralfamadorian humour that they intend to satirize our boy Panther Herpes. But a race of such advanced intelligence surely would not transmit a joke so seemingly vulgar and puerile. Would they??? Perhaps their humour is intended as a didactic tool. Perhaps it is intended to warn us of this predatory contagion, and yet still to mock His/Its silliness in a booming GUFFAW! It seems entirely possible, fellow Terrans!

Now, if Mr. Harper is Panther Herpes, then what do the Tralfamadorians call his arch-rival Paul Martin? None other than

PRIMAL TUNA

That’s right, folks. Paul “Deficit Slayer” Martin is The Big Tuna. A fish of great cunning, agility and adaptability, not to mention innate muscularity! Who better to thwart Panther Herpes than an aquatic evolutionary veteran of impressive size and strength? A creature so adaptable it survived aeons of changes and variations, of species come and gone, of mankind’s plunderings and infernal riff-raff. But of course! It must be our Terran representative from the sea: Primal Tuna! It has been speculated that our friend the Primal Tuna is in close contact with the Cetacean Nation, and furthermore that he busted the Cetacean deficit with nothing but his wits and his preternatural ability to swim against the current. The Primal Tuna is an individualist among fish and mammals, you see… A stalwart of natural selection, a genetic brick shithouse, A Fish for All Seasons!!!

So what do you say to that, Panther Herpes? In all your wretched virulence! Agh!!! Paul “Primal Tuna” Martin, defender of Terra and Financial Advisor to the benevolent hyper-intelligent extraterrestrials of Tralfamadore shall banish your hollow existence into total extinction!

Let it be noted that in future discussions all Terrans must refer to “Stephen Harper” by his true name: Panther Herpes.

Let it also be noted that this politician-anagram idea was essentially lifted from the Great One Robert Anton Wilson, who noted that Ronald Wilson Reagan is “Insane Anglo Warlord” and George Herbert Walker Bush is “Huge Berserk Rebel Warthog” (although RAW didn’t come up with those anagrams, he just discussed them and frequently made jokes about them).

And let it finally be noted that my description of Tralfamadorians is considerably different from descriptions offered by Mr. Kurt Vonnegut. Maybe I should invent (discover?) my own alien race for the betterment of certain analogies.

-Nick, Affiliate of the Primal Tuna

After a few months hiatus, Hodgepodge Cluster makes its glorious return!! One may ask, “Where were you over the course of these months when I achingly desired embittered political rants and feverish Upwinger madman rhetoric??” Well, to those three or four noble hangers-on that didn’t abandon ship and begin thinking in realistic terms and going about their daily lives as though the Earth is not under the benevolent guidance of Canine Extraterrestrial Intelligences from the double-star Sirius… kudos! For those that moved on, realizing the Upwinger philosophy was something of a mad fantasy-dream most likely brought on by cheap hallucinogens and month-old potato chips, well… I always suspected you would sneak off some time or another, likely during a particularly incoherent rant on plant consciousness or some such flimflam.

Now, onward! The Upwinger Movement is as always a discombobulated hodgepodge-mishmash flinging omnidirectionally through the cosmos. What of politics? Guffaw! We have no need of them. Through time and discipline the Upwinger realizes the supreme importance of the words of noble sage Elwood P. Dowd:

“Well, I’ve wrestled with reality for 35 years, Doctor, and I’m happy to state I finally won out over it.”

Indeed, old man! Indeed! The sooner we immerse ourselves in self-programmed virtual reality (via any means available) the better. Think of it in the terms of Aldous Huxley’s Island rather than Brave New World. You are the master that makes the grass green. There is no governor anywhere. And as an addendum to these Oriental snippets: There is no government anywhere but for where you perceive it.

Now let’s talk Futurism! I recently viewed a documentary on inventor/raving madman Raymond Kurzweil titled Transcendent Man. Mr. Kurzweil has done some interesting things, including inventing reading devices for the blind and predicting historical events with a perplexing degree of accuracy. He, along with many other futurists such as Buckminster Fuller, Alvin Toffler and Stuart Brand has suggested that the notion of accelerated change (ie, change at an increasingly accelerating rate over time, or exponential change) poses a radically advanced future for mankind in as little as 25-30 years. While many futurists over the years have been plainly wrong in their predictions on subjects such as life extension to the point of practical immortality, space migration (sorry, Tim Leary) and mass-produced ultra lightweight housing units (Bucky Fuller), seemingly outrageous futurist predictions can be well-rooted in conservative predictive models.

Based on Moore’s Law, computer hardware will (and has) increasingly become smaller, more efficient and cheaper at an exponential rate over time. Extending Moore’s Law conservatively to around 2040, it may be feasible that computers the size of red blood cells with thousands of times the computational power of smart phones will not only exist, but will be manufactured relatively cheaply. Most estimates regarding nanotechnology are far more conservative than that, to say the least. But as Ray Kurzweil points out, if the pattern that has been observed over the whole development of computer technology - from a computer that takes up a whole building and costs millions in 1965 to a computer that fits in your pocket, has 1000 times the computational power and is 10000 times cheaper in 2011 - continues at the same rate, his estimates are more than feasible.

Indeed, based on the conservative estimate, we may have artificial intelligences thousands of times more intelligent than humans by around 2040. This leap will likely occur in the lifespan of many adults living today, considering average life expectancy also increases exponentially. While Tim Leary & Co. may have been off in estimating the breakthroughs in life extension research and space migration by the early 1990s, they may not have been that far off. Of course, on the space migration front, the technology to build Tim Leary and Robert Anton Wilson’s oft-fantasized-about Space Cities has existed for a while. It’s just too damned expensive, and nobody sees any feasible reason to do it (yet). Just wait for the emergence of space tourism via privatization of space shuttle development! (see: http://www.npr.org/2011/07/18/138462430/the-last-word-in-business) Indeed, it would have been great for ol’ RAW to be alive to see the privatization of space exploration; people actually living out his libertarian-escapist fantasies.

Based on Tim Leary’s SMI(2)LE formula for exponential change in human evolution, the criteria of Space Migration (SM) and Life Extension (LE) seem to be on the way. What of Intelligence Increase? Welp, that’s a subject for another time… Suffice to say, Mike Judge’s comedic masterpiece Idiocracy is often interpreted as more a cautionary tale than anything!!

I fare thee well for now, dear observers! But I promise I’ll come back!!

-Nick, POEE High Priest and SMOM Super-Secret High Commander (Shhh)

Landlord: Tell me, is it your contention that Shakespeare was an imposter?

Kramer: My contention?

Landlord: Yes, your contention.

Kramer: Yes, that’s my contention.

Elaine: I heard him contend that.

Shakespearean scholar and preeminent Elizabethan demonologist General Butt Naked (aka Miguel Sanchez aka J. Plumbtree Oppenheimer) recently wrote an expose on the demon(s) Modo/Mahu and their counterparts (see here: http://generalbuttnaked.tumblr.com/post/5792924880/the-strange-names-of-their-devils).

Read and understand the mysteries contained therein! Perhaps you will be visited by one of five devils. It could even be Modo (and Mahu)!! Or perhaps all of them at once. One can never be too careful when it comes to Elizabethan fiends. To be sure, one should always have a Jesuit Exorcism Squadron on retainer.

Ave atque vale!!!

Care of Nick, POEE High Priest

“There are dozens of us! DOZENS!!!”

-Dr. Tobias Funke

The Upwinger Movement appeared stagnant during the 2011 federal election. Indeed, the Credo of Self-Representation was sullied by millions of voters. The election results were, unfortunately, not indicative of a strong Upwinger presence (although, kudos to those approx. 39% of eligible voters who cast an apathetic vote for Nobody).

With a Conservative majority entering Parliament any day now, the casual Futurist Utopian may be wondering: What can I do to affect positive change? If voting for myself did nothing (as I suspected it would), what exactly can I do? Well, True Believers, it’s possible that the electoral process is not the ideal arena for the Rampaging Beast-Ideology that is Upwingerdom. Perhaps the time has come to pursue alternate avenues.

Consider for a moment the nature of representative democracy: Just who exactly is ‘representing’ you? What effect does this have on your personal life? Does this person make decisions for you on a daily basis? Should you kill this person and parade their body through the streets like a barbaric warlord? Regardless of whether you personally like the bozo in a suit that was elected in your riding (hive), the legislature has been hijacked by a band of Mad Neoconservative Tsarists who will pass every bit of Accursed Godawful Policy in their Odious Cauldron of Nefarious Plots.

The situation may appear dire. Indeed, it may be dire. But are we - the Chosen Nutjobs of the Utopian Future - simply going to apathetically and impotently bemoan our present circumstances? Certainly not!! “But Nick,” you may implore, “Just what do you propose we do?” Welp, I recommend you:

KILL YOUR REPRESENTATIVES

I’m sure you’re familiar with the concept of political suicide, but have you tried POLITICAL HOMICIDE? Now, Dear Observer, do not take this as in incitement to acts of physical harm and/or murder (for legal reasons, ahhrhrHREMM). Rather, take it as a metaphorical disassociation from the system of representative democracy. If a law or policy displeases you, take your displeasure to the grassroots. Indeed, it was the Snake in the Garden of Eden that dwelt there. And as Christian Gnosticism teaches us, the Snake is not a harbinger of evil, but the bringer of knowledge.

Please excuse my sudden outburst of religious esoterica! And please take my metaphor in practical terms. Although if you wish to take it in metaphysical terms, feel free! Ahrhrhremm.. where was I? Oh yes. In a recent historic example, petitioning proved a politically powerful tool in Canada.

The Canadian Radio-Television and Telecommunications Commission (CRTC) proposed a bill in spring 2010 to federally mandate usage-based billing for internet service providers. This was clearly a lousy bill, and it surely cheesed off a lot of internet-using Canadians. By February 2011, the proposed bill was scrapped by the Conservative government. Why? Because a petition was signed by over 200,000 Canadian citizens opposing it. Such an action puts the ruling government in an awkward position: Drop the bill, torching whatever interest you had in passing it, or spit in the face of 200,000 angry petitioners, effectively committing political suicide.

Indeed, this case makes it clear what power petitioning can have, albeit in a relatively small potatoes case. Could petitioning have a larger-scale impact? Could it be a stick in the gears of the Conservative Legislative Doomsday Device? Perhaps, True Believers! In the coming months, as increasingly nasty policy turds start a-flyin’, get down in those grassroots. Push petitions hard. We may even be able to force referendums. The power of direct democracy is not illusory. And it can directly affect positive change. Don’t rely on your stinkin’ ‘representatives’ to make a difference in your life and lives of others. KILL YOUR REPRESENTATIVES. And succumb to the reptilian wiles of the Knowledge-Giving Serpent of Direct Democracy.

-Pope Nick, Hail Eris Discordia

“You never did the Kenosha Kid.”

-Thomas Pynchon, Gravity’s Rainbow

A teacher of Zen Buddhism is having trouble with a student. He can’t figure how to get this kid on track, so he gives him a simple exercise: Meditate on a bull. Devote all your thoughts and actions - day and night - to the idea of a bull. One day the teacher asks the student to come into his room to check on his progress. The student says, “I can’t. My horns won’t fit through the door.”

I copped that Zen tale from Robert Anton Wilson, but isn’t it darned amusing and perhaps deeply thought-provoking? Here’s another:

A man is riding a donkey back and forth through his village. Someone asks, “What are you looking for?” He explains, “I’m looking for my donkey!!”

And for my last RAW-stolen tale, let’s take a look at Archie Leach:

Actor Cary Grant was born Archie Leach. “What an unfortunate name”, Robin Williams’ character in Dead Poets’ Society might say. Mr. Leach changed his name when he got his break as an actor, because Leach just doesn’t look great on a marquis. Archie Leach/Cary Grant was known for his adlibbing abilities. In one such adlib - which appeared in the film His Girl Friday (1931) - he said “The last guy who talked like that to me was Archie Leach… just before he slit his own throat.”

RAW might call these tales gnomic, which means incomprehensible but seemingly wise. I would too.

“The kid got busted. Remember me? I’m Never.”

-Gnomic Gnick (05/15/2011)

For he knoweth not that which shall be: for who can tell him when it shall be? (Ecclesiastes 8:7)

Back on the political wavelength: The results of the May 2nd federal election were less than desirable for the majority of voters. What of the current legislative situation? Welp, all those foreboding plots and schemes many so ardently opposed will come into effect. We can look forward to a budget dedicated to military and prisons, a horrific crime bill designed to lock up as many potheads as possible and internet censorship mandated by copyright monopolists.

But of course, Mr. Harper has promised to balance the budget by 2013, and all kinds of other fantastical jive! Let’s step into the Way Back Machine for a moment to take a look at the economic-governmental situation Harper inherited in 2006:

Under Chretien and Martin’s federal government the budget was balanced, and indeed there was a surplus of some 13 billion dollars left over. This was quite intentional, as 13 billion would adequately fund a stimulus program in the event of an economic downturn. Crime had perpetually plummeted since the mid-90s. The economy had perpetually skyrocketed since the end of the late 80s/early 90s recession. Taxes had only been minimally increased and government spending had been slashed in many areas.

An awfully good time to become Prime Minister, I reckon. All the work had already been done for him! So what did Mr. Harper do? Welp, over the next five years he turned a 13 billion dollar surplus into a 60 billion dollar deficit. Bear in mind that he accomplished this feat with a minority government; hardly any of his legislative and budgeting schemes were able to pass. Some observers may now point out that the 2008 recession occurred during this time, so deficit spending is understandable! But what about that 13 billion dollar surplus? Where did that disappear to? Is it under Harper’s sweater, as Jack Layton might say?

That would surely be enough to fund a stimulus plan (and it’s about what the stimulus plan ended up costing). So what magick did he use to make 60 billion disappear in the interim?

We must now devote our full scrutiny to the Conservative election campaign:

CONSERVATIVES: WE SAVED CANADA DURING THE RECESSION. YOU BET YOUR ASS WE DID. HOW DID WE DO IT? I DUNNO MAN, DON’T ASK ME. I’M JUST A POLITICIAN.

CONSERVATIVES: WE NEVER RAISE TAXES OR INCREASE SPENDING. EXCEPT WE DO BOTH OF THOSE THINGS, WE JUST CUT TAXES FOR THE RICH AND SPEND ON BOMBS AND JAILS. HEH-HEH-HEH.

CONSERVATIVES: WE KILLED YOUR MA, WE KILLED YOUR PA, AND YOU STILL VOTED FOR US.

To be sure, the Conservative Party of Canada are bullshit experts. They played on everyone’s most reactionary impulses. They reduced complex issues to thought-terminating slogans. And over the next four years they’re going to fuck up everything that Chretien and Martin’s Liberals fixed. And we’re not just talking about stagnation or erasing the progress that was made since 1993. We’re talking about a total regression. If you liked the Bush-Cheney government, you’ll love this one. Reaganomics, Draconian  drug laws, Prison-Industrial Complex, opposition to things like gay marriage and abortion on religious grounds, jingoist over-spending, they’ve got it all.

Skin a virgin for Xipe Totec.

Fill a prison with harmless drug offenders for Harper.

Sacrifice your son for YAWEH.

Spend 400 billion on military.

KILL YOUR FELLOW MAN FOR THE HE-GOD MILITARY-PRISON INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX.

DESTROY YOUR SOCIETY FOR THE SAKE OF THE LYING BASTARDS AND LOBBYISTS.

When things ought to be getting better, they just get worse. But don’t lose that optimist’s outlook just yet, True Believers. We have more control than we may assume. If 60% of voters opposed Harper, what does that say about Canadians as a people? Something good, I reckon. We’re operating on many levels here…

For he knoweth not that which shall be: for who can tell him when it shall be?

-Nick the Political Magician and Magickal Scientist (8 Jumada-II 1432)

“Thank you, Universe.”

-Dr. Tobias Funke

Disregarding all perceived or unperceived political bullshit for the moment, let’s turn our focus to the wonderful world of music nerd obsessions: As you - dear observer - may remember, I recently posted an homage to singer-songwriter Warren Zevon. Well, my Zevon obsession happened to materialize concurrently with an R.E.M. obsession. And guess what?? There happens to be a Zevon/R.E.M. crossover band of sorts!! The band is called Hindu Love Gods (http://allmusic.com/artist/hindu-love-gods-p4490). It features Peter Buck, Mike Mills and Bill Berry of R.E.M., with Zevon on piano and a fella named Bryan Cook on vocals.

Welp, thanx Universe. You’ve somehow combined two seemingly disparate personal musical obsessions in a synchronous and delightful manner! Kudos, O hoary hosts of the Cosmos!

I’ll rest easy knowing this musical group at some time existed and recorded an album. Forget about the politics, boys! Zevon’s strikin’ up the band!

(2 Jumada-II 1432)

“You can kill the Kennedys,

but you can’t make a cup of coffee that tastes good?”

-John Swartzwelder

John Swartzwelder is a comedy writer and novelist. He wrote more episodes of The Simpsons than any other writer, by a long shot. And that was back when the show didn’t suck. Before he was recruited by Sam Simon he wrote for an absurd comedy magazine called Army Man. After becoming a recluse and refusing to participate in the team-oriented writing process of The Simpsons he began to mail in completed episode scripts. Eventually he left the show altogether. Now he writes absurd comedy novels like How I Conquered Your Planet and The Time Machine Did It. He used to drink a lot of coffee and smoke a lot of cigarettes while he was writing. He did this in cafes so much, when they outlawed smoking in restaurants in California he bought a diner booth and put it in his house so he could sit there, write, smoke cigarettes and drink coffee. He identifies politically as a libertarian. Isn’t that something!!

(23 Jumada-I 1432)

Alright folks, the time has come for a political rant.

The Big Important Election is on Monday May 2nd (3/30/4708 Xinmao, Year of the Rabbit for our friends in the Orient). Despite my lunatic rantings and ravings about spoiling your ballot and so on, I would now like to implore everyone who opposes the Harper Government to vote. More Liberal/NDP/Bloc seats are needed to stem the threat of a possible Conservative majority. And we don’t want that, folks, I assure you!!

“But Nick”, you may say, “we are in a fragile period of economic recovery, and we need Harper’s fine business acumen and economic expertise to guide us through it!”

“Poppycock!” I retort.

And this brings us to Reason #1 to Vote Against Harper:

Economic Bullshit

While the Conservative brain-washing ads are spewing out nonsense about psychotic spend-a-holic left-wing socialists and the economic horrors that will unfold with a Liberal-NDP coalition, the Harper Government has every intention of fucking things up themselves. You may be wondering how, since Mr. Harper promises to CUT TAXES and perform all sorts of wonderful economic magick. Well here’s the skinny: those tax cuts are for the rich and corporations only. And while they pay out less, the government will spend a fuck-ton more on jingoist military toys (at least 30 billion). Perhaps Harper should’ve learned this lesson in economics back in the days of Ronald Reagan. If you tax less and spend more, you create a DEFICIT. And what a fantastic plan that is for our “fragile economy”.

But of course, when corporate lobbyists control legislative powers through “contributions” (ahRHERHM bribery), the primary goal of legislation is to suck the dicks of corporations and the rich fucks who run them. And of course we need some fucking JETS and plenty of other destructive tools. Because Canada is such a large and important military power, and we’re under such an immanent threat of invasion. It’s not as though we’re protected by NATO and the enormous military of the United States sitting right under us. NO NO!! We need to protect our fucking SOVEREIGNTY.

“But Nick, I implore you… any nation needs a good strong military! And those old jets and boats we have are awfully outdated! And really, how much can you trust NATO and the United States? I thought we hated Americans anyway, and I suspect NATO is an NWO/Illuminati plot controlled by the World Bank, the International Monetary Fund, the UN and the Concerted Reptilian Effort for Total World Domination.”

You may be right, hypothetical devil’s advocate! Nevertheless, we press on.

Reason #2:

Copyright Law

Have you ever committed the heinous crime of illegally and willfully appropriating copyrighted materials? That is to say, have you ever downloaded a song on a P2P program or used a BitTorrent website? Well, you are surely a naughty thief and must pay damages to the tune of A MINIMUM OF 150,000 DOLLARS PER INFRINGEMENT. And that’s just the first retardedly fucked up thing about copyright law. What I speak of now is the Harper Government’s plan to pass legislation that will give the government the right to remove any website based in Canada from the internet if they are found to contain any infringement of copyright. No trial, no due process, just a big legitimized government website-removal machine.

“But Nick!!” you say, “I know for a fact that illegally downloading or posting materials is wrong. I believe those websites should be removed!”

But of course! And while you’re at it, shut down Google and Youtube, the websites that allow the most direct access to copyrighted material. Sure Youtube will take down a video at the request of the copyright owner, but does that mean they will - or even have the ability to - remove all copyright protected content that isn’t authorized by the copyright owner?

“Well, surely that would not be required! The law could never be so restrictive and unflexible!”

BUT INDEED IT IS. At least when the team of lawyers hired by copyright monopolists knows they can defeat the target. Such was the case with Napster many years ago. The Napster folks promised to introduce software that would eliminate 99% of illegal materials. What does the court say? “No. It will have to be 100%.” If that kind of rigidity sets a precedent, goodbye Youtube. And remember, identical legislation is working its way through the US Senate as we speak. Of course, Youtube is owned by billionaires who can hire even more frightening legal teams than the RIAA and MPAA combined, which may set off a chain-reaction of people realizing the current copyright laws are not only insane but intrinsically harmful. But targets smaller than the Google billionaires are fair game. And with this new legislation, the issue of suspending due process in the removal of websites (ahhrhRHEHM fascist censorship) will push us into an even more vivid Orwellian nightmare.

Now to secure my reputation as a completely indoctrinated left wing lunatic, we move on to Reason #3:

Drugs

Whatever your position on the legal status of marijuana, from a medical point of view it certainly can’t be denied that it is beneficial for inflammation pain and nausea, and generally harmless for recreational consumption. And despite Health Canada - a federal institution - supporting this point of view, the Harper Government has severely increased the penalties for cultivation of marijuana. Bear in mind that the federal government cultivates and distributes (at a profit) medical marijuana themselves. As it stands, growing one marijuana plant will land you in jail for a minimum of six months, or fucking nine months if you’re growing it on a rented property. And remember, cultivation of marijuana is a criminal offense, so that means 6-9 months locked up with murderers and psychopaths. FOR GROWING FUCKING POT. A substance the federal government themselves (Health Canada) can’t see the harm in. A substance that has never been linked to cancer and is only loosely linked to any lung disease whatsoever. A substance so non-toxic and non-addictive it poses virtually no threat to the human organism WHATSOEVER.

It’s infuriating to consider the kind of ignorance (or malice) necessary to write into law such blatantly useless and directly harmful legislation. Lock up the fucking dopers. Waste tax payers’ money and suspend the freedoms of harmless pot-growers. Lock them up with murderers and violent nutjobs. Put them in direct danger and psychologically torture them. Remove them from their homes and families and jobs and toss them in the clink where they belong. And damned if they wanna say the substance is harmless. Weed killed my whole fucking family. They all died of a Weed Overdose. They got the shit from Nepal or something. Man, I don’t know, they just got so stoned THEY FLIPPED THEIR WIGS AND TORE OUT THEIR FUCKING EYEBALLS. I haven’t seen shit like that since the secret drug trials in Vietnam.

***

Anyhow… Where was I? Oh yeah. Vote. But not for the Conservatives. Vote for the other guys. Hopefully they won’t do shit half as dreadfully fucked up as the Harper Government. And oh yeah… a bunch of Conservative MPs are funded by some anti-gay marriage group, and Harper said during some conversation that wasn’t supposed to be recorded that he is against gay marriage and abortion. He’s tried to downplay it since then, telling us to focus on economic issues. Fuck him.

-Angry Political Nick, April 26th 2011 (yeah, I can use the Gregorian calendar too.. if I wanna)